…

In paper studio  right now….watching my pulp bubble over and I cannot do a single thing about it. Damn you detergent!

…

Experiment of the month: Mystery.

I’d like to ask the boy if there is something he would like me to try for a month. If he could change me for a month what would it be and try it. (My physical looks are out of my hands so that does not count).

…

Recent exhibition: Give and Take at WNYBAC. Artist exchange between Rochester Book Arts Centre and ours. Really great work as well as a great idea to expose local artists to one another. Create a larger network.

…

Thinking about getting a tattoo. A circle behind my ear. Hm.

…

VI. What’s been on your mind most lately?

Love love love

I-90S to W (towards Erie)

Exit 60 (Mayville/Westfield)

Turn right onto NY 394/N.Portage Rd.

Keep driving until you find the water.

…

ghoti = fish

One of my favourite lessons in linguistics.

…

May quickly approaches ending my rental days. I plan to reside at the Milnor house once again and am quite excited to resume rebuilding. It is hard to believe that one year ago we had just moved in sans modern utilities. Kerosene and Home Depot buckets were our closest friends in that space. And for the rest of winter (one of the coldest recorded in Buffalo) we camped awaiting the thaw. Things have changed quite a bit since then and now our batteries recharged so to speak and a fresh frame of mind we will begin again once this winter recedes (although it has yet to really begin and ’tis February next week!).

Although one house has yet to be completed I will be beginning the process towards my first home as well. This one may surprise me and keep me around but for now it is an investment towards my future land. However, I don’t expect to just stick out the three years and leave once it expires. No, no. But I am not going to lie and say this isn’t a means to an end…because it is. The surprise inbetwixt awaits!

Here is one picture of it but if you look up 255 Reed, Buffalo there will be better images. I am hoping the lots on either side are available as well! Garden space for sure!

…

What do you do when you feel life is finished? I am sure that reads depressing but I can assure it is not. That would suggest ending ones life and that is not my intent. It is more the idea of where to go and what to do next when you’re no longer worried about the “problems” of the world nor anything else. Once you realise that nothing you have done, are currently in pursuit of and will eventually do will have absolutely no impact on existence. One has to think large in order to grasp what it is that I am saying but it is true. What we do on Earth will never impact what exists lightyears away. Once you come to grips with a more or less meaningless/purposeless existence how do you maintain a reason to exist? I have been thinking about this a lot lately and trying to figure out what it is that keeps me in motion. Self-education through worldly exposure is the closest I have come to a composed answer. Yes, it doesn’t matter in the end but I suppose I have to treat it as if exploring a world I do not know and no one else will (since they have their own to occupy and discover). Almost as if our sheer existence is the formation of an existential secret.

…

V. What is missing in your life?

Friends that are in close proximity!

…

My view of New York City from the bus.

Hoping to make a few trips there throughout the year.

It is a surprising and memorable, as well as valuable experience, to be lost in the woods at any time.

I would say this book was much like Robinson Crusoe in that the idea is phenomenal but the read itself feels all too involving. To the point where you are unpleasantly lost amongst the pages and the words as well as in the setting. In the case of Walden the book could have been the last three chapters (winter, spring and conclusion). These summarised the romantic absolute of self-sufficient existence alongside leading us through Walden Pond with Thoreau’s own eyes while feeling ourselves change just as he did. I would love to know how others feel about this book.

However mean your life is, meet it and live it.

…

As I have noticed I did not properly cover my end of the year travels to New Orleans. This was my graduation present from college and, boy, this was one interesting trip.

First: did not beat my landlords to the washing machine. Had to resort to bathroom sink since I do all of my packing the morning of the trip.

Second: My original plane was cancelled due to a broken part which the airport did not have a replacement for. Miraculously I was able to make another flight to Detroit in order to catch my connecting flight (which mind you I almost missed because it arrived barely on time and I was on the opposite end speedwalking towards Mecca).

Third: Well, as it turned out the people I traveled with are top of the line tourists. What else can I say? I was in for a treat.

Talked them into going to the French Market for lunch.

Celebration of Lights in the Oaks. Such a romantic evening. Their botanical garden isn’t worth writing home about but this event certainly was. Oaks must be one of my favourite trees.

By far the best part aside from Descours was the Insectarium. Holy crap. It was neat.

…and a trip wouldn’t be complete without eating some insects. Yum!

It was a worthwhile trip because I wouldn’t expect anything less so I have no need to mention the endless souvenir shops I was pulled in to nor the surprise tour bus. Next time I will have a better idea with whom I am traveling.

…

An unusual thing happened to me late last week. I went out to buy some groceries and checked everything out, racking up a tiny bill of 60$. Everything is bagged up and my card gets rejected. Hm. Odd. Let’s try again. No luck. Let me step over to the ATM, I know there is cash to be had. Nope. Hm. Call Mills. No luck there either. Ok so I walk back over and prepare to put everything back. It was a small counterspace and the place was packed so I did not expect the cashier to put away all of my stuff. So as I reach out for the bag the lady in line stops me and tells me, “No, I got this.” I insisted otherwise. However, she was going to get her way so I give in and ask for her name and number so I can repay her. Her response? “No. Just pay it forward.” My eyes were filled to the brim with tears of raw emotion. She floored me and everyone stopped and stared. Mind you the bill was 60$ again. So she is told this and she pays it. Oh, and as she was paying for my groceries I noticed her seeing eye dog. A blind lady bought my groceries expecting not a cash repayment but to continue forth delivering good deeds. I got home and just cried. And all I wish I could have done now was to have her name and invite her over so I can make her dinner.

…

What is something you have that everyone wants?

I am not so sure I have anything that anyone wants. Other than a keen ability to travel I don’t know.

…

Funny Face.

Waiting for the perfect winter evening to watch it.

…

I have been thinking a lot about what constitutes an interesting life. Knowing that it is different for everyone I have been directing my focus towards myself and those close to me. Is it risking familiarity? Giving up all you know to exist as someone else in another place, another time? Perhaps for me it is refusing to give in to an easily fearful existence. To always explore the unknown and to not be afraid of change even if ten years it would have been deplorable. Admittedly, it has been hard to accept that in a relationship but I could not forgive myself if I ever interfered with the evolution of another’s life. As much as I enjoy the current existence and so badly want it to stay I know in both my heart and head that it is unacceptable. I want change if it means I will continue to develop and discover the best in what the world has to offer. And I want that for everyone else regardless of what my yearning heart may say on a whim. So please, everyone, lead the most interesting life you can and never deprive others from leading their own.

If asked my interesting life would consist of relentless travel and “off the beaten path” adventure. To have a handsome man to accompany me as we conquer unknown terrain. And then surprise myself when I actually have a family to call my own. To begin a lineage I never knew I was capable of. And as I grow old I can watch the little hearts beat large with tales from my world and eyes wide with imaginative wonder. At that moment my life will have achieved everything I remotely considered impossible.

…

Review:

Satyagraha (opera by Philip Glass)

A contemporary opera about….Gandhi.

I could not believe it either. Operas were only about monarchs and Greek mythology before I heard about this. Let me tell you that this was absolutely incredible. And this composer, Philip Glass…a world beyond. He also composed for a few other operas about Einstein as well as Galileo. I look forward to seeing them both.

Satyagraha (‘truth force’) deemed by Gandhi to be the creation of civil resistance. A force born of truth and love.

The opera itself traces back to Gandhi, The Westerner and leads up to the famous Salt March. Sung completely in Sanskrit and the most minimal set design (props were primarily newspaper, tape and paper mache puppets) it was everything I could not imagine it would be.

…

III. What is your life motto?

Tread lightly and leave not a trace.

…

My first cookie decorating gathering for Christmas.

I am excited to create my own family traditions.

…

Bocce ball.

My gods, what fun.

…

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.

This is good but I believe in love with the same passion that I live life. So a lover should have the same impact.

…

A review of more artists. Inspiration all around.

Early fall of this year brought Buffalo the lovely Kyle Durrie (Power and Light Press) and her plucky Type Truck. Out of sheer boredom with her printing job in Portland she reinvented the life of the stepvan and transformed it into a letterpress studio/home on wheels. Her goal was to travel and teach people the art of the letterpress. She is an absolute sweetheart with disgustingly super amounts of wit. Follow her on her trip by visiting her site:

TypeTruck.

…

Next up is Hyeyoung Shin who just wrapped up her ‘Books and Rituals’ exhibition at WNYBAC. Some of the best art I’ve seen in awhile. The taste of pure water after attending the horrendous First Friday shows. Such craft. As it turned out Mills had befriended her throughout the semester and commented on his favourite pieces (the ones featured above). As a birthday gift I purchased the one on the left, ‘Prayer Hands’. Aside from my necklace from Sword + Fern this is my first real purchase from an artist (in this case fine art). It is hard to financially support fellow artists when you’re all competing for the same thing because essentially you can create the same thing. However, as a friend of a friend, a celebration piece for the anniversary of his new house as well as receiving the background story of the print made it an incredibly worthwhile purchase. I look forward to see what she is working on next.

Hyeyoung Shin.

…

II. Why do I matter?

I don’t. But for someone else perhaps I do. As for their reasons why one would have to ask them. I would hope to hear that I’ve made their lives better by making them think and shape their lives towards a better existence. One with purpose, adventure, substance while paving the way towards evolution and adaptation.

…

A boy in the camera shop told me that I made his day better by just being there. Unsure as of how to reply so I just smiled and thought to myself, you just made my day by saying that. It is nice when it is apparent that someone is excited to see you. Such a relief to know that it exists.

…

I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing. (Gaiman)

I could not agree more. With that end note I have successfully paid off my first student loan.

Worry is a way to pretend that you have knowledge or control over what you don’t – and it surprises me, even in myself, how much we prefer ugly scenarios to the pure unknown.

Rebecca Solnit

…

Art update:

Nuit Blanche (Toronto)

Overall it was an unusual but fun art event. I’ve never attended anything of its nature before which enhanced my excitement. However, it proved to me how indifferent I am to today’s art “scene”. I’m open for anything but very few things were worth the effort of traversing around the city on a cold night.

For those who went might remember the apocalyptic helicopter block. That was the best of the evening. An honorable mention goes to the pulmonary installation. Kudos for the flame throwers…nothing better than a flaming heart to keep you warm on a cold autumn night. Other than that there isn’t anything else worth mentioning. The art itself was not what I expected and, sorry to say it, unimpressive. Not to say I wouldn’t attend again because I think it is a brilliant event for artists and the city alike. But maybe something other than performance installations next time?

&

Descours (New Orleans)

Similar to Nuit Blanche where the city becomes the gallery, it was much more worth it from an art perspective. The Arts District was alive and well with a plethora of gallery openings. And let me tell you the art was well worth it. I did not hop between many of the installation locations on the map but I did go to a couple and there was such a perfect atmosphere for the event. Not swarms of people surrounding some mysterious installation that you’ll never know since you cannot see past the crowd. Each one had a spacious feel of a gallery but instead of being full of art the building was the piece and the gallery alike. Honestly, it was perfect.

Artists worth mentioning:

Sebastian Preece (Santiago, Chile)

This was one of my favourite pieces. He did a photo series of decomposing books. Beautiful work.

Dale Chihuly

Organic glass sculpture.

John Salvest (Jonesboro, Arkansas)

Paul Villinski (New York, New York)

…

Book review:

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.

In all honesty this book stunned me in every way. It has been awhile since I’ve read a book that had me so transfixed afterwards that I want nothing more than to tell everyone about it. Share all my thoughts and discuss every little detail of this novel. Towards the end I began to lose connection with the writing but then Nabokov found a way to thrust me back into the story. And, boy, it was well worth the wait.

Nabokov’s writing style is what first stole my heart. He doesn’t take twenty pages to indirectly describe a scene. But he also doesn’t hand over the details for free. It is a subtle language for overtly obvious actions. There may be a yearning for just straight dirty literature but that would have destroyed the beauty that is Lolita. Just like Humbert. Yes, he was a pedophile. Obvious. But there was also heartbreaking depth to his character. Lolita was doomed from the start but I was not expecting what was delivered in the end. This man, Vladimir Nabokov, had my mind going from start to finish. Thank you.

Lolita, this may be neither here nor there but I have to say it. Life is very short. From here to that old car you know so well there is a stretch of twenty, twenty-five paces. It is a very short walk. Make those twenty-five steps. Now. Right now. Come just as you are. And we shall live happily ever after.

…

I. In one sentence, who are you?

An ever-changing being, I am.

…

Love:

I. ‘Today , my 75-year-old grandpa who has been blind from cataracts for almost 15 years said to me, ‘Your grandma is just the most beautiful thing, isn’t she?’ I paused for a second and said, ‘Yes she is. I bet you miss seeing that beauty on a daily basis.’ ‘Sweety, I still see her beauty every day. In fact, I see it more now than I used to when we were young.’

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. If opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. (Gaiman).

Amen.

I need a lover. Not combat. When I am worn down and vulnerable is when I need you most. I am determined to not want any one around but you must intervene. Kiss me, hold me, tell me this is something I can weather. Lovers should bring out strengths.

But this is not love. And here we are. Silence and combat.

But the time’s coming when ignorance won’t be an option, it mustn’t be, it ought to be the last of all the excuses one can ever accept. Which, incidentally, is why I’m all for free speech and free education.

…

Going with a single theme this evening.

Infidelity.

This seems to be a more popular subject as I grow older. Something I have never considered myself I am amazed everyday by those who have or involved as spoken. I recently watched the movie Last Night which explored various aspects on the subject at hand. The characters lives are clearly missing something. They are not seemingly happy with each other all the while radiant amongst others. Perhaps monotonous living has led them to where they are. Either way it feels miserable. She notices all the little details of his interaction with another female. All the little things that are now absent in their relationship. They fight blah blah…he leaves for his job and she remains at home. Skip ahead and we reach the obvious. He is interested in physical infidelity and achieves this (after being led on mind you. Had this woman not pursued him I think he would not have been such a bad guy.). She on the other hand runs into a past love/friend. They spend evening together catching up on things and her eyes are bright. A liveliness not seen before. From this moment on her head is spinning. The emotional infidelity.

What I find interesting are the options at hand. Physical v. emotional. Which is worse? Is one worse?

If I were to be cheated upon I would rather it be physical. Hands down. But I can feel the draw of emotional infidelity. So as much as it would pain me to go through that I feel like that is the most attractive option myself. I am sure this reads horribly but these are personal thoughts and observations of which I have no intention upon acting.

I suppose being involved in such an extensive relationship as I can relate to some of these things in the film. The lively interactions with others (especially females) v. the monotonous daily conversation with me. The trial of honesty and trust (which one would hope is absolute).

I have met quite a few people who have cheated and, admittedly, my feelings towards them have become slightly skewed. However, I wish I had thought to ask them, ‘why?’. Perhaps it is a thrilling experience but what a terrifying thought! I say this because a friend of mine had met up with me and we talked over coffee about relationships. He had put thoughts in my head and doubt in my heart. Although slightly agreeable when love is not present in a relationship it scared me all the more. That for a moment I allowed this person to sway my feelings and doubt the person I’ve come to trust most. Maybe a test or just being human either way there is boundary. A distinct boundary and I could feel the vibrations in my bones. Many have crossed and more will continue to follow. I, on the other hand, have not.

…

Life has been such an incredible bustle as of late but it is an enjoyable whirlwind. The holiday season is perfect timing to get some of these lower artworks to the public. Nothing I’d consider ‘fine art’ but that is not what I am aiming for right now. That is for gallery space not holiday sales. Either way I’m pretty excited to see who might be interested in some of my creations.

…

Thinking about Kim and Kyle’s wedding leads me to think about the details of what I would want if I were to be the one getting married. The details that I speak of for this moment: flowers. So I have come to this conclusion: paperwhites and forget-me-nots. Paperwhites must be one of the most beautiful scents in the world and forget-me-nots seem appropriate for the occasion at hand. Not to mention the colours and shapes compliment each other very well. Elegant as well as playful. Sappy moment of the evening.

…

Make this sappy moment part two! And you thought I was done…haha. I stumbled across this a while ago and thought it was rather sweet. Actually following this list of ’26 things I learned by 26′ which the guy listed ‘marry your best friend’ as one of them. Hm. I wonder what their story is.

So back to where I was heading. It is a short story.

A story of two best friends, a guy and a girl.

10th grade – As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so-called ‘best friend’. I stared at her long, silky hair and wished she was mine. But she didn’t notice me like that and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said ‘thanks’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy  and I don’t know why.

11th grade – The phone rang. On the other end it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa I stared at her eyes, wishing she was mine. After two hours, one romantic-comedy and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked and me, said ‘thanks’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.

12th grade -  The day before prom she walked to my locker. ‘My date is sick’, she said. I didn’t have a date and in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as ‘best friends’. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front doorstep. I stared at her as she smiled at me. I want her to be mine but she doesn’t think of me like that and I know it. Then she said, ‘I had the best time, thanks!’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.

Graduation day – A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as she walked on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine but she didn’t notice me like that and I knew it. Before everyone went home she came to me in her smock and hat, crying as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, ‘you’re my best friend, thanks’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.

A few years later – Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say, ‘I do’ and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine but she didn’t see me like that and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, ‘you came! Thanks!’ and kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.

Funeral – Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my ‘best friend’. At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine but he doesn’t notice me like that and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love him but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! ‘I wish I did too…’, I thought to myself, and I cried.

The ‘short’ story isn’t a marvel but I enjoyed it.

…

Andrew Wyeth. One of my favourites.

…

(fracking keyboard. it is messing with me. good test of memory.)

…

As of late here is what I have:

occupybuffalo

east meets west – paper making with Peter Sowiski

…

A little more than a month ago an occupation began in a public park outside of Wall Street. People rising up against “corporate greed”. Beginning with a handful of people it has now influenced occupations in over 600 cities worldwide, Buffalo included. Because social movements are a weakness of mine I decided to check it out. The first night of their official occupation I had a chance to talk with a few of the people there and get a feel of the atmosphere. We talked about what brought them there and to what extent they would go to in support of this “cause”.  That was something many stuttered upon. What exactly was everyone trying to say? Upset about the state of things? Absolutely. WallStreet puts it simply as an uprising against corporate greed and division between classes along with the elimination of middle-class. But now many members of the said “1%” have joined forces with those fighting the very same “1%”. Then there are those making a point over other things such as environmental policies, education reform, health care reform, immigration, racism…the list continues. So – which is it? Or is it all of it? Without a coherent statement or demand the message is lost among many. Perhaps amongst those who need to understand it most. When I mentioned the need for coherency and organisation beyond occupation I was met with discomfort and suspicion. I explained that I am behind this need to act 100% but I also am aware of the historical aspects of similar acts of defiance (which are often met with failure).

It has now been a couple of weeks since my visit to Niagara Square and have drafted up some suggestions on what to do next. I think this goes beyond economics and that needs to be addressed. But not on some piece of construction paper. The honking of a car horn does not improve the state of things other than confidence. Just as corrupt corporations have strategized against us we must be smart and adopt the art of strategy ourselves.  This is something I have felt was coming for a very long time and have prepared mind, body and soul to defend the rights of humanity. That reads kind of lame I am sure but I have warrior blood…this is what I do. This is what I think about. If I can lend my hand to allow this to grow and succeed then I will do so. But I will not jump in line just for the sake of participation.

…

Last week I had the opportunity to make paper with paper artist Peter Sowiski. It was incredible. There is something about it. Gods damn paper. I fucking love it.

Peter was lucky enough to go on sabbatical in Asia (Korea, China and Vietnam) to study paper techniques. Ever since taking the paper class during school I have wanted to spend some time doing paper work in Asia (mainly Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos) so I think Peter will be an invaluable source of information.

Peter Sowiski

…

Bonne nuit.