But the time’s coming when ignorance won’t be an option, it mustn’t be, it ought to be the last of all the excuses one can ever accept. Which, incidentally, is why I’m all for free speech and free education.
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Going with a single theme this evening.
Infidelity.
This seems to be a more popular subject as I grow older. Something I have never considered myself I am amazed everyday by those who have or involved as spoken. I recently watched the movie Last Night which explored various aspects on the subject at hand. The characters lives are clearly missing something. They are not seemingly happy with each other all the while radiant amongst others. Perhaps monotonous living has led them to where they are. Either way it feels miserable. She notices all the little details of his interaction with another female. All the little things that are now absent in their relationship. They fight blah blah…he leaves for his job and she remains at home. Skip ahead and we reach the obvious. He is interested in physical infidelity and achieves this (after being led on mind you. Had this woman not pursued him I think he would not have been such a bad guy.). She on the other hand runs into a past love/friend. They spend evening together catching up on things and her eyes are bright. A liveliness not seen before. From this moment on her head is spinning. The emotional infidelity.
What I find interesting are the options at hand. Physical v. emotional. Which is worse? Is one worse?
If I were to be cheated upon I would rather it be physical. Hands down. But I can feel the draw of emotional infidelity. So as much as it would pain me to go through that I feel like that is the most attractive option myself. I am sure this reads horribly but these are personal thoughts and observations of which I have no intention upon acting.
I suppose being involved in such an extensive relationship as I can relate to some of these things in the film. The lively interactions with others (especially females) v. the monotonous daily conversation with me. The trial of honesty and trust (which one would hope is absolute).
I have met quite a few people who have cheated and, admittedly, my feelings towards them have become slightly skewed. However, I wish I had thought to ask them, ‘why?’. Perhaps it is a thrilling experience but what a terrifying thought! I say this because a friend of mine had met up with me and we talked over coffee about relationships. He had put thoughts in my head and doubt in my heart. Although slightly agreeable when love is not present in a relationship it scared me all the more. That for a moment I allowed this person to sway my feelings and doubt the person I’ve come to trust most. Maybe a test or just being human either way there is boundary. A distinct boundary and I could feel the vibrations in my bones. Many have crossed and more will continue to follow. I, on the other hand, have not.
The world’s so full of strange actions and strange motives- don’t condemn people just because they do what you can’t immediately understand. Or even always because they do what seems to you not good. Wait till they’ve always had a chance to explain.
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Life has been such an incredible bustle as of late but it is an enjoyable whirlwind. The holiday season is perfect timing to get some of these lower artworks to the public. Nothing I’d consider ‘fine art’ but that is not what I am aiming for right now. That is for gallery space not holiday sales. Either way I’m pretty excited to see who might be interested in some of my creations.
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Thinking about Kim and Kyle’s wedding leads me to think about the details of what I would want if I were to be the one getting married. The details that I speak of for this moment: flowers. So I have come to this conclusion: paperwhites and forget-me-nots. Paperwhites must be one of the most beautiful scents in the world and forget-me-nots seem appropriate for the occasion at hand. Not to mention the colours and shapes compliment each other very well. Elegant as well as playful. Sappy moment of the evening.
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Make this sappy moment part two! And you thought I was done…haha. I stumbled across this a while ago and thought it was rather sweet. Actually following this list of ’26 things I learned by 26′ which the guy listed ‘marry your best friend’ as one of them. Hm. I wonder what their story is.
So back to where I was heading. It is a short story.
A story of two best friends, a guy and a girl.
10th grade – As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so-called ‘best friend’. I stared at her long, silky hair and wished she was mine. But she didn’t notice me like that and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said ‘thanks’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.
11th grade – The phone rang. On the other end it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa I stared at her eyes, wishing she was mine. After two hours, one romantic-comedy and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked and me, said ‘thanks’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.
12th grade - The day before prom she walked to my locker. ‘My date is sick’, she said. I didn’t have a date and in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as ‘best friends’. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front doorstep. I stared at her as she smiled at me. I want her to be mine but she doesn’t think of me like that and I know it. Then she said, ‘I had the best time, thanks!’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.
Graduation day – A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as she walked on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine but she didn’t notice me like that and I knew it. Before everyone went home she came to me in her smock and hat, crying as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, ‘you’re my best friend, thanks’ and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.
A few years later – Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say, ‘I do’ and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine but she didn’t see me like that and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, ‘you came! Thanks!’ and kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love her but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why.
Funeral – Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my ‘best friend’. At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine but he doesn’t notice me like that and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don’t want to be just friends. I love him but I’m just too shy and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! ‘I wish I did too…’, I thought to myself, and I cried.
The ‘short’ story isn’t a marvel but I enjoyed it.
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Andrew Wyeth. One of my favourites.
Word of the day: sundry
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(fracking keyboard. it is messing with me. good test of memory.)
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As of late here is what I have:
occupybuffalo
east meets west – paper making with Peter Sowiski
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A little more than a month ago an occupation began in a public park outside of Wall Street. People rising up against “corporate greed”. Beginning with a handful of people it has now influenced occupations in over 600 cities worldwide, Buffalo included. Because social movements are a weakness of mine I decided to check it out. The first night of their official occupation I had a chance to talk with a few of the people there and get a feel of the atmosphere. We talked about what brought them there and to what extent they would go to in support of this “cause”. That was something many stuttered upon. What exactly was everyone trying to say? Upset about the state of things? Absolutely. WallStreet puts it simply as an uprising against corporate greed and division between classes along with the elimination of middle-class. But now many members of the said “1%” have joined forces with those fighting the very same “1%”. Then there are those making a point over other things such as environmental policies, education reform, health care reform, immigration, racism…the list continues. So – which is it? Or is it all of it? Without a coherent statement or demand the message is lost among many. Perhaps amongst those who need to understand it most. When I mentioned the need for coherency and organisation beyond occupation I was met with discomfort and suspicion. I explained that I am behind this need to act 100% but I also am aware of the historical aspects of similar acts of defiance (which are often met with failure).
It has now been a couple of weeks since my visit to Niagara Square and have drafted up some suggestions on what to do next. I think this goes beyond economics and that needs to be addressed. But not on some piece of construction paper. The honking of a car horn does not improve the state of things other than confidence. Just as corrupt corporations have strategized against us we must be smart and adopt the art of strategy ourselves. This is something I have felt was coming for a very long time and have prepared mind, body and soul to defend the rights of humanity. That reads kind of lame I am sure but I have warrior blood…this is what I do. This is what I think about. If I can lend my hand to allow this to grow and succeed then I will do so. But I will not jump in line just for the sake of participation.
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Last week I had the opportunity to make paper with paper artist Peter Sowiski. It was incredible. There is something about it. Gods damn paper. I fucking love it.
Peter was lucky enough to go on sabbatical in Asia (Korea, China and Vietnam) to study paper techniques. Ever since taking the paper class during school I have wanted to spend some time doing paper work in Asia (mainly Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos) so I think Peter will be an invaluable source of information.
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Bonne nuit.
Some discouragement, some faintness of heart at the new real future which replaces the imaginary, is not unusual, and we do not expect people to be deeply moved by what is not unusual. That element of tragedy which lies in the very fact of frequency, has not yet wrought itself into the coarse emotion of mankind; and perhaps our frames could hardly bear much of it. If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence. - George Eliot (from a book I secretly wished would never end)
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I told myself I was ready for this. Let us hope I was right.
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Book review:
…they learn from their own experience in the struggle. Get them into action themselves. They will learn while doing, becoming more capable and large numbers of excellent people will come forward. – Mao Tse Tung
A remarkably unbiased look at Mao Tse Tung’s legacy. Beginning as an honest revolutionary who believed in the power of the people and would unfortunately become one of the world’s most infamous leaders. Many factors led to his downfall – corrupt government officials, foreign affairs (Korean/Vietnam Wars), complications with economic programs (expediency, inconsistency) and failing mental health. He dreamed of a unified China that held recognition throughout the world but he wanted instantaneous results which is highly impractical. Just as the people were becoming used to one form of legislation it would transform entirely overnight and those who did not embrace the new policies would be punished. How they expected the people to keep up with the ever-changing legislation is astonishing. Unfortunately, being an older book it does not follow up to modern day China as of 2011. It ends in the late 1980s with a brief description of post-Mao China but ends with a cliffhanger.
Interesting quote by E.H. Carr:
The danger is not that we shall draw a veil over enormous blots on the record of the Revolution , over its cost in human suffering, over the crimes committed in its name. The danger is that we shall be tempted to forget altogether, and to pass over in silence, its immense achievements.
Examples of Mao’s achievements: vast expansion of educational institutions and literacy opportunities, establishment of health care system (which was previously nonexistent), doubling life expectancy (by as much as 35 years). Albeit this is no excuse for the treatment of the people and the atrocious conditions of everyday life in China I feel it is important to also acknowledge any improvements. It is through these achievements that the people were able to question the repressive government and challenge its authority.
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Lighter note:
New member of the family: Atlas.
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2012.
Things that in other circumstances would have excited him left him unmoved now, for they were simply part of his life, until the moment he was back in his room using all his strength and care to smother the flame of life that burned within him.
- Albert Camus
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Soon to come:
whitemoth (ideas, globally. purpose, locally. products, sustainably. a more intelligent way of business. human to human.)
wintermusik/Petrichor Press (my personal work)
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Quebec: An overview
Montreal was quite a bit of fun. Despite my anglophone ways I did my utmost to adopt that of francophone. Language, the best challenge by far and I loved every minute of it. A city I would definitely consider for the future.
Montreal.
Si bien! (Marche Atwater)
Montreal Int’l Firework Competition: Canada (Eros & Psyche)
Couchsurfing (first time being a guest): Hani, myself, Eric (my host) and his friend (unknown)
Eric taught me a thing or two about poi.
The poi master himself.
Bixi bikes.
Worst tuna.
The WWOOFing (Willing Workers on Organic Farms) was a whole other story. Slave labour indeed. Organic, not so much. This farm has some serious issues to take care of before I return. Their tenants saved the trip, however. They showed me around the area introducing me to some of the most incredible people. A lot of opportunity is to be had here.
Weller farm. (Magog)
Where I spent most of my time on the farm. Not farming.
My saviors, Lynette and Andrew.
Vesna & Gary’s Turkish Shepard, Hannibal.
I chose to cut the trip short, omitting one last week of backpacking and Quebec City. The discontent with the farm destroyed any desire to stay. Disappointing? Only slightly but the promise of a return in the form of a mason jar will ensure that that territory will not go unexplored. My heart ached so much for home. A home! My first complete home! And I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else upon this epiphany.
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Tread lightly.
That is what my tribe translates to.
I’ve adopted this since birth and it took twenty-plus years to discover that it was written in my blood.
And I couldn’t be happier.
With hands flush to the skin and eyes closed, we wait. Inhale the silence. Exhale the earth.
There was this one night in Oregon. A black so dark and a light so welcome.
And some people travel far more than others. There are those who receive as birthright an adequate or at least unquestioned sense of self and those who set out to reinvent themselves, for survival or for satisfaction, and travel far. Some people inherit values and practices as a house they inhabit; some of us have to burn down that house, find our own ground, build from scratch, even as a psychological metamorphosis. (Solnit)
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One more day. Then a northern adventure.
(I wish you would be there)
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An idea for a house on the land.
On the ground,
I cannot hear a sound.
All that is felt,
a heavy hum.
[the places that made me]
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A softness of senses tangled in wool.
That is what has led me back to you. Of course I worry but this feels like the first time. I have been given a chance to meet you all over again. And it feels overwhelming good. Not a rush. Not a slumber.
A risk asunder.
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Funny Face. One of my favourite movies. The best of Audrey Hepburn.
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Quebec. 2 weeks left to go.
Excitement and mystery flood my head.
In this flowering of air, this fertility of the heavens, it seemed as if a man’s one duty was to live and be happy.
The best week in an incredibly long time. Not even a week. Months. I have met up with many of my distant friends and it has made all the difference. Such perfect timing. It is as if they are molding themselves around me and, believe me, I am elated.
We have aged all too rapidly and what are we to do? While in the midst of chasing death I hope we can remember a time when we simply lived. I can feel it. Can you?
